Some of you aren't going to like what I have to say. I want you to read it anyway -- your life, or your child's, may depend on it.

   We've all read the news - yet another school shooting. "How could this happen?" we ask. "How could these children do these awful things?" Let me tell you something - there are far worse things, far less tolerable things, going on in our schools every damn day. You know how I know? I've been there.

   Scene: Kellogg Junior High School, Rochester, Minnesota, August, 1981 through June, 1983.
I was the fat, smart, not-rich, new, sensitive, loud, DIFFERENT kid. I was tried and convicted by a jury of sub-sentient, abusive, unspeakably cruel, thieving, putrescent, whining, stuck-up, greedy, selfish little pre-pubescent brats who considered themselves my peers.

   My crimes? Let's seeŠ being overweight. Being smarter than some of the other kids in my class and dumb enough not to care that I was. Not having all the money I could never want to spend on things I didn't need and didn't like to impress people I loathed for reasons I didn't understand then and still don't now. Not having endured six PREVIOUS years of "teasing", which basically amounted to physical and sexual assault, and unspeakable personal horror with these same little troglodytes. Having any kind of feelings, let alone allowing them to be hurt. Speaking my mind and being myself -- or at least trying to figure out who that was - rather than doing my absolute BEST to be a carbon copy of every other under-brained, overweening, popular, fashionable, intolerant, intolerable, fucked-up, abusive little slave to middle-management conspicuous-consumption, yuppie-bred, greed-is-good parents. That's right -- I was nobody.

   My punishment? A little "joke" courtesy of the "popular" crowd - they all pretended to be my friends for the better part of two years. The whole time snickering behind their hands, tripping me on the stairs, shoving my books down in the hallway, stealing my undergarments in phys-ed class, and grabbing me in places I had been cursed enough to develop before the rest of the girlsŠand swearing that they didn't do it. I was hopeful enough that people actually COULD like me after the abuse I'd dealt with at home for the past six years from my alcoholic and co-dependent parents that I was willing to believe them. It was fine for them to do this - after all, who were they hurting? Nobody. Nobody at all.

   What's wrong here? Nothing a little maturity won't cure - this kid needs to learn not to exaggerate and tattletale to adults! She's just a whiny little baby making things up like this! After all, it's only one kid's word against another's - no adults were around to see this. How could she have had something stolen when she doesn't have anything to begin with, and how can we admit that one of the children of GOOD parents is doing something BAD like stealing from other children when no one will admit to it, and there's no real evidence? One kid who thought they were being persecuted, one kid taking things too seriously, right? It happens all the time, kids at this age blow things out of proportion. BesidesŠ these children would never do something like this - they're from good homes, raised with all the advantages, taught right. It's the disadvantaged one we should be suspicious of - maybe she needs to see a Counselor. A little Counseling will fix everythingŠ And if it's really this bad, why hasn't she told her teachers or her guidance counselor or her mom? Why haven't the teachers reported this at parent-teacher conferences?

   What I've just described happened TWENTY YEARS AGO.

   I'm here to tell you that I'm not the only one who's been there. We don't forgive, we don't forget. We carry the scars of these beatings, this abuse, for the rest of our lives. We do everything we can to kill the parts of us that remember these things. We bury these parts in deep holes, we try to silence these parts of ourselves in different ways - for some it's writing, or music, or art, or dance; for some it's food, for others it's alcohol or drugs. We try to walk away. We leave town, we leave the state, we leave the country, and sometimes, if it's bad enough, we leave the planet. We remember, because we cannot forget. We laugh and tell jokes about it, because we dare not cry. We never had a childhood. We have scars, and the worst ones are those you never see.

   It's still going on today. Nothing's changed. Nothing's stopped. Nobody listens. The zero tolerance policies mean NOTHING. The metal detectors and locker searches and police patrols WILL NOT STOP THIS. The teachers are too concerned with lawsuits by the well-to-do parents of these little brats to do anything about it. The adults here aren't any better than the juvenile perpetrators of the cruelty - they don't intervene, no matter what the policies and rules and laws say, because they're scared. They hide their fear behind bigger and older masks, but they're still afraid. The teachers, principals and counselors are more concerned with the IMAGE of their damn schools and their test scores than they are with the kids who get mugged for their lunch money or the kids for whom a GOOD day at school means that you came home with all your clothes and only five new bruises. They're more concerned with how their schools look on paper and that nothing legally actionable makes it to the local news than they are with the kids losing their souls, their hope, their self-esteem, their dreams, and their childhood to organized cruelty that would make the Hitler Youth proud.

   Now the perpetrators have upped the ante Š and some of the victims have decided to stop being victims. They've put a stop to the problem for good, at least for them. They've gotten their hands on a gun, and they've done the only thing they felt they COULD do to stop the abuse and the insanity. The only thing left for them to do to make the hurting stop. After all, haven't we taught kids that if you want something done right, do it yourself? That the best thing to do is to take ACTION?

   The kids at Kellogg twenty years ago this August got real lucky - the ones they picked on didn't have guns. The kids at Columbine and Santee and so many other places weren't so lucky - the ones they picked on did.

   It's not the first-person shooter video games, it's not computers, it's not the books, it's not the movies, it's not television, it's not skateboarding, it's not their friends, it's not their music, it's not ALL their fault.

   YES, killing other people is wrong.

   But JUST AS BAD, and less visible, less provable, is killing a person's soul, their dreams, their hopes, and their love of life. Then taunting that person with daily reminders of what they can't have now, may never get back, and have the joy of looking forward to for the rest of their junior high (and possibly high schoolŠand possibly even adult) "experience."

   This "kids will be kids" attitude toward the kind of "teasing" that goes on in our schools is destroying kids' hope and dreams when they're beginning to bloom. It's trashing kids' self-esteem when it's most important to build it up. It's costing children their joy. It's costing children their childhood, and if it doesn't stop, it just might cost them their lives.

   The ones with guns don't always care who they get. They may be aiming for the perpetrators or the friends of the perpetratorsŠ or even the ones that simply stood by and laughed while they were being beaten or taunted or abused and things were stolen from them.

   What can the Pagan community do to stop this? What can Pagan parents do to stop this?

   You can raise children to value differences. Different is NOT bad. If the world were made up of all one race, religion, body type, attitude, sense of humor, skill set, or taste in fashion, it would be a pretty boring, repressive place. Hate is not a value. Hate means fear, and people fear what they don't understand. If you work to understand differences, or ask others to help you understand differences, hate is less likely to happen. Blowing out someone else's candle doesn't make yours shine brighter, all it does is make the Universe a darker place.

   You can teach kids that there are people out there who have problems. These people will say things and do things that are cruel, hurtful, and completely unnecessary. Sometimes the problems started with them, sometimes they're problems that they learned from their parents, their parents learned from THEIR parents, or that go even further back. These problems don't have to affect anyone but these people, you can choose how you respond to these people and their hurtful, cruel words and actions, and how to deal with people who are so hurt that they have to hurt others to make themselves feel better.

   You can give kids the guts to stand up to and for others. To respect others, to care about what happens in the world, to care when someone is being mistreated, and to help those who need their help. To say, "that's not right!" To let others know when they're being hurt, and to let others know that they want to be treated with respect. To have the guts to walk away from a hurtful person or situation when necessary and appropriate, and not to be afraid to fight back when there's no other choice. You can make sure that children know the rules, the laws, and who they need to tell when one is being broken.

   You can give kids the gift of self-esteem. Tell them and show them that they are special, that everyone is special in their own way. Remind them that they define their own standards of beauty, and that "striking" and "unusual" and "exotic" are every bit as much of a compliment as "beautiful", "pretty", and "cute". Remind them that beauty is individual, and that each person has their own idea of beauty. Remind your kids that they don't have to be Einstein to be smart, and don't have to be a size 4 to be happy. Be who they are, be their own best friend, and be what French women call "comfortable in their skin". Happiness is a journey, not a destination.

   You can teach kids that "Harm None" includes everyone - not just those who are like you, or those who are like them, or who are popular, or who are beautiful or fashionable or perfect or smart or any other criteria - even nobodies. "Harm None" includes yourself.

   You can show kids how people SHOULD treat each other. How people talk to each other and treat each other when they're happy, sad, upset, mad, or disgusted. How to take time out, how to walk away. How to disagree with or argue a point without making it personal. How to respect others' right to their own viewpoint, even if you disagree violently with the viewpoint itself. How to not take insults, names, words, and others' ignorance personally. You can show them how to live and interact with others with grace, manners, dignity, respect, and in such a way that they increase others' self-worth and joy in living as well as their own.

   You can lead by example. You can value yourself, children, the community, nature, the God and Goddess, happiness, renewal, differences, changes, and everything good in the world. You can raise your child's spirits or recharge their energy after a bad day. You can take time to be there when your child needs you. You can show them how to take time for themselves, and how to take time for the family. You can teach your child responsibility for their feelings, for their actions, for their words, and for their beliefs. You can encourage your child to think for herself, build her own dreams, and MAKE the impossible possible. You can teach your child how to work in life-affirming, respectful, appropriate, and nurturing ways for positive change. You can find the child within yourself, and nurture it by interacting with the child in others. You can answer their questions, honestly, the first time, and make sure they understand the explanation. Don't be afraid to say "I don't knowŠ let's go find out!" Admit your mistakes, and learn from them - this will teach a child to do the same. You can NOT buy into the bullshit that "it's the kid's own fault if they're abused", "words aren't really abuse," and "kids will be kids."

   You can be active in a child's life. You can go with them on their first days of school, of camp, of daycare. You can volunteer to help a child's class. You can be active, involved, and present in your child's development. You can be a parent. You can give support, you can teach lessons, and you can show children that they have the power to change the world for the better, if only they try. You can draw out the shy ones, moderate the loud ones, and encourage all of them to be just who they are. You can play with a child, you can teach them games that develop their minds, and not just mind games.

   You can BELIEVE kids, and believe IN them. Listen to your kids when they talkŠ and when they don't. Teach your kids how to listen - not only to what is said, but also to how it's said and to what is not said. Listen to where and when the silences are. Teach them how to listen for that quiet voice inside themselves that speaks the truth. Teach them that truth isn't always comfortable, and that sometimes feelings are more important than strict honesty. Remind kids that even grownups don't always say what they mean, and teach them to listen for what someone means instead of just the words that come out of their mouths. Remind them how important it is to be honest, and that if they are caught in a lie, punish them for LYING, not for getting caught. Make sure they understand the difference. Remind kids that if they've discarded everything else, what's left may indeed be what happenedŠ no matter how "weird" it seems.

   You can teach kids the difference between fantasy and reality. You can encourage a child's imagination and ground them in reality. You can help them keep their feet on the ground and reach for their stars, and teach children to set responsible boundaries with adults and with each other. Teach them to be careful what they wish for, and to think twice before they speak hurtful words, even in jest. You can teach kids that it's okay not to like someone, but not liking them means that you avoid them or ignore them.

   You can teach kids that torture is not an acceptable form of social interaction.

   I was nobody. Maybe I'm still nobodyŠ but I'm nobody with a voice. I'm nobody who owns her own business. I'm nobody who works for HERSELF, not for anyone else. I'm nobody they need to remember. I'm nobody who's forgiven them, and certainly nobody who's forgotten. I'm nobody who still bears the physical and emotional scars of the beatings, the abuse, and their wretched, stupid, hurtful, immature, unnecessary need to attempt to exercise power they never had and never will, because they have no power over themselves. I'm nobody that never showed up at her class reunion, and who maybe never will, because she has less in common with those people than with total strangers. I'm nobody who wishes she could expunge those years of her existence from her memories, the yearbooks, and everyone else's memories. I'm nobody they know well, because I've been very careful since I dealt with those people to know EXACTLY who my friends are. I'm nobody who's still recovering from the abuse, twenty years laterŠ

   And I'm somebody who dares to speak the truth.

   TheLadyRose