Dealing with those close to you can be a trial when their beliefs not only conflict with your own, but when you cannot adequately discuss your differences. When it comes to public admission of theological status as a witch, many Pagans prefer to remain in the broom closet ... and not without good reason. The most common is that a person's religious choice is a personal issue and -as a result- there is no reason to bring it into the public arena. There is also the argument that in many corporate circles and despite legal protections, such an admission can still cost a Pagan a job, children and peace in their local community.

   However, above all these reasons is the most simple and common...

   Humans crave and need acceptance at some level in their lives. Even if those around us disagree with our choices, we need to feel that our beliefs are vindicated and just as good as any majority that surrounds us. In today's world where we are valued by our marketable image and by the products we consume, minorities feel all the more marginalized by media appearances.

   Allow me to explain.

   Barbie continues to reinforce the image of beauty in young, white girls. G.I.Joe continues to demonstrate the butch and testosterone-filled violence we come to expect from our young, white boys. The people going into fast food restaurants or buying into mutual funds on our TVs are mostly white, middle class and suburban.

   Certainly, there are African-Americans, Latino and Native-Americans in some of these advertisements and shows, but they are -far and away- outnumbered in sheer volume by the demographic that tends to reflect the marketing chiefs and executives that construct our infotainment and advertisements. What does this mean for gays, Moslems, witches and other groups who are similarilly ignored?

   It creates an unrealistic idea in the minds of those immersed in the media tapestry that what is not seen, should not be seen. What is not discussed, should not be discussed. Everything around us should be as we expect it to be ... expectations that are forged -in a very real way- by the artificial environment of television and movies.

   This being the case, how does this effect those of us who are partially or fully in the broom closet? How do the media-marginalized deal with their families and friends?

   When a Pagan -usually a young one- makes the decision to tell their family and friends about their theological choices, it is monumentous. Certainly, if becoming a Wiccan has been a deeply involved experience and the faith reflects the individual's beliefs and desires, there should logically be little or no surprise on behalf of those that are told. Not if they really know the Pagan in question. After all, the newly-admitted witch has been practicing the fundamental beliefs for some time and the admission of discovering a ritualized method of expression for it (i.e. the Wiccan religion) is just a final step.

   Sadly, this is often not the case.

   Too often, parents, siblings, friends and extended family act shocked and dismayed. Now, this is not always true; there are many open-minded people all over the world. Still, how many of us have faced the ignorance and disappointment from those around us from whom we so deeply desired support and understanding?

   In my own family, my mother has stated that she was 'disappointed' in my choice. Now, understand that I am half-in and out of the closet. I do nothing to hide my religious choice save at the office where I believe that religion -of any sort- really has no place. Around my extended relatives, I simply don't bring it up out of respect for my mother's desire to handle this slowly. I also keep it to myself out of my own fears of reprisal by aunts, uncles and cousins.

   By 'reprisal', understand that I don't mean physical violence. However, I have come to expect my family to talk down to those of us who are in the younger generation -even those of us in our thirties- to dismiss and marginalize us and our beliefs when those beliefs differ from their own. It is a form of reprisal that eats away at the soul and beats down the free spirit within.

   You see, I can handle outright aggression and defiance of my beliefs; at least then I can struggle against it and see the attacks when they're coming. With the lecture and disapproval methods that are used by the bulk of my family, I instead become wearied, depleted and drained. You can't fight 'disappointment' or negative indifference ... it must be suffered and endured.

   Still, that's the way of things. You can't control the thoughts and reactions of others. It is incumbent upon the Wiccan in question to face this situation and deal with it. It may seem hard and unfair, but there doesn't seem to be much that can be done to change it.

   We have to understand that there is nothing inherently wrong with this.

   Many witches can simply pack up and turn their attentions to those who will support them and respect their differences. They can get support from new friends and circles of people who think similarly. Certainly, this has been my experience with my friends to whom I spoke about my religious change some time ago. But what about those who still love their families and need that interaction with them? To simply state that what others believe should not have an impact upon you, is foolishness and not a recognition of the reality of human nature.

   We want our families -different though they may be- to respect our choices and lives. With the media-driven world constantly smothering recognition of differences amongst those not directly confronted with them, the family is one of the few sociological structures many of us have left. With families, we already have our foot in the door, as it were, and -realistically or not- expect them to give us the benefit of the doubt.

   When all of the world outside of our family and friends is ignoring, trivializing or -through misinformation- fearing and hating us, it becomes all the more crucial that those elements of our own flesh and blood give us some form of support and recognition.

   Certainly, this need may be abrogated by Coven members in a surrogate family; replacing the biologicals who are no longer there. Also, there are those who are hardened enough by other elements of familial disrespect that they have severed all ties and now live happy lives in circles they have constructed for themselves.

   But for the rest of us -who still desire contact with family- the issue can be a sticky one when they disapprove.

   This past weekend, I got together with my extended family on my mother's side. Oddly, several issues of Paganism came up in conversation with some family members and I found it very difficult to deal with them. In fact, much of this past weekend's feelings of fear, regret and self-loathing are fueling this essay.

   Mother has down-graded my condition to "Very Disappointing" with the caveat of respecting the good that I do even if she disapproves of why I do it. She makes comments about the mental state of those who believe in magick and spell craft; she feels that such people are ignorant, fooling themselves or are insane. She has a degree from Macalester college and her assessment and knowledge of other religions are still shaped by those collegiate experiences so many years ago. Even if she does not see it, she believes that those beliefs outside of her own are easily dismissed or understood and discarded.

   Later in the weekend, while speaking to my Aunt, her solid and unwavering views of the stupidity of those who believe in "mythical" things such as magick, spirits and werewolves disheartened me to no end. I figured I should try to argue this one and debate the issues. I should have known better. Debating my Aunt is an impossibility. With normal people, a person can discuss and debate issues by give and take; keeping and open mind and allowing different beliefs to challenge their own. My mother's sister never gives an inch and never varies her opinions.

   She is sure that she is right, that I am wrong and that those who disagree with her are ignorant, psychotic or hedonistic liars. I used to respect her because she was the black sheep of the family; an outcast like myself. It's hard when someone that used to be high in your opinions falls so far. I know I will probably never have her respect; even if she offers me her genetically-obligated love.

   Still, what did I expect?

   I guess what I'm looking for is what my sister has given me...

   My sister is a Christian and a feminist. Her intelligence is fierce and her spirit unbroken. Out of all the souls on this planet, I have come to respect her views and drive more than almost anyone else's. This is largely from the simple fact that she accepted what I do and respects my differences. Never in the world would she leave her faith -it is a solid part of her. But it is her understanding and her desire to stay at my side while still following her own path. That, I respect.

   I've seen the understanding that can exist out there. I've experienced the respect that can foster the self-reliance that many of us require. In fact, I've seen the best of love and support in my friends and my sister. The only problem is that, like an heirloom that is stolen, once you see the precious love, respect and support from one group, you notice it's absence all the more from those who withhold it.

   We all have to deal with our families at some point. It is inevitable. And, despite what we believe about our own autonomy, we have to face the prejudices and preconceptions of those people we thought we knew. I don't pretend to have the answers; my own life is confusing enough and I have to gain closure with my own familial relations, soon.

   My sister, dear as she is, offered this advice to me...

   I should probably ignore my Aunt and her ramblings. She is over 60, unhealthy and overweight. She's probably not long for this world. My sister suggested I just wait her out as my Aunt will probably not be alive for that many more years. I should wait for her to die because I'll never get the respect and support that I need from her.

   In the case of Mom, I'm going to have to bring it up to her that I feel hurt and alone. Her 'disappointment' hurts me far more than active hatred.

   For the rest of the Wiccans and witches in the world, dealing with their own unique family problems is going to be similar. They'll either have to continue in their half-states of being open and hidden, confront their families and let them know how they feel about support and respect, or they'll have to learn to do without.

   None of these choices are all that encouraging and I wish I could end this essay on an upbeat note.

   Sadly, I can do nothing but offer my own observations and continue to wait for death.

   Blessed Be,
   Sylvan SilverNight
   Solitary Celtic Wiccan
   Minneapolis, Minnesota

   May 11th, 1998